CHAPTER ONE: DO I WANT TO BE AN ATTORNEY?
SECTION ONE: YOU MAY WANT TO CONSIDER A NEW PROFESSION
Client: "Why didn't you cross-examine the defendant on any of the questions we discussed?"
Trial Attorney: "I really don't like to pry or ask questions."
Juror to Judge (after the trial): "Are all plaintiffs required to use inexperienced attorneys?"
SECTION TWO: EXERCISE OF EXCELLENT JUDGMENT BY A NEW ATTORNEY
A client authorized his attorney, who recently was admitted to practice law, to offer $500 to settle a case at a settlement conference. The judge told the attorney to go into the hall, call his client and if the attorney cannot get at least $40,000 to settle the case, the judge is going to put the attorney in jail overnight. The attorney walks into the corridor, takes the elevator to the first floor, exits the courthouse and never returns to the court or to his job.
CHAPTER TWO: ESTABLISHING A LAW FIRM
SECTION ONE: CEMENTING ATTORNEY CLIENT RELATIONS
Client to his attorney: "Call the lawyer for the defendant and find out if he will settle."
Attorney: "I have called the defendant's attorney five times to inquire about settlement and he has not responded to any of these inquiries. If I call again, he will think we are desperate to settle."
Client: "Call him again. He is aware that I hired you, so he already knows I must be desperate."
After receiving settlement offer:
Attorney to Client: "I think you should accept the defendant's settlement offer."
Client: "How much is the defendant paying you to recommend the settlement to me?"
Attorney: "I have to accept money from the defendant because you sure as hell are not paying me."
SECTION TWO: MAKING THE PRACTICE PROFITABLE:
Colleague of Attorney: "Did you win in court today?"
Attorney (who is handling the case on an hourly basis): "Me, or the client?"
SECTION THREE: THE ADVANTAGES OF A SMALL FIRM
Client: "We want to hire an attorney to file a lawsuit against the pension manager who lost over $1,000,000 in bad investments."
Attorney: "Don't you have a large law firm that generally represents you in these matters?"
Client: "Yes, that firm said that it would probably charge approximately $250,000 in legal fees and we would lose."
Attorney: "Well, I can guaranty you a savings of at least $150,000"
Client: "How is that?"
Attorney: "I will charge you only $100,000 and lose."
CHAPTER THREE: MOTION CALL
SECTION ONE: SHORT AND FUNNY
After arguing a motion, which apparently "stretched the envelope," the court turned to Marty Schwartz' opponent and asked, "What is your response?"
Opposing counsel: "Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin have nothing on Marty Schwartz."
SECTION TWO: INSTANT PRECEDENT
Clerk of the Court: "Attorneys in the case of Smith v. Jones, approach the bench."
Plaintiff's Attorney: "Judge, the defendant has not produced the documents I requested."
Defendant's Attorney: "I did not produce the documents because there is no case authority requiring those documents be produced."
Court: "Yes there is, it is the case of Smith v. Jones decided today. Produce the documents."
CHAPTER FOUR: PRETRIAL AND TRIAL
SECTION ONE: UNREASONABLE SETTLEMENT DEMAND:
Court to Plaintiff during settlement conference: "What will satisfy you in this case?"
Plaintiff: "For both defendants to have heart attacks and drop dead instantaneously."
SECTION TWO: A CONFIDENT WITNESS
In a lawsuit by a subcontractor against the general contractor to recover payment for services rendered, the subcontractor's attorney is cross-examining the general contractor's president:
Attorney: "Your superintendent authorized the payment?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "Your project manager authorized the payment?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "The architect authorized the payment?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "The owner's representative authorized the payment?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "And you stopped payment on the check?"
Witness: "I guess that makes me pretty valuable to the company."
SECTION THREE: FOUL SHOTS
Attorney for Plaintiff: "I object, hearsay."
Court: "Sustained."
Attorney for Defendant: "Judge, every time Plaintiff's counsel objects you sustain his objection, but when I object you always overrule the objection."
Court: "Counsel, this is a trial, not a basketball game. My job is not to make sure each team gets the same number of foul shots."
SECTION FOUR: NOT EVERYONE IS WELL READ
Attorney for Plaintiff: "I object to the question based on the attorney client privilege."
Attorney for Defendant: "The privilege was waived by plaintiff's answers on direct examination."
Attorney for Plaintiff: "Judge, I wrote a book on attorney client privilege. The answer on direct examination did not waive the privilege."
Court: "I must not have read your book. Objection is overruled."
SECTION FIVE: EFFECTIVE TRANSLATION BY THE COURT
Attorney for Defendant (cross-examining the plaintiff in a corporate dissolution suit where plaintiff claimed that the board of directors was deadlocked): "What evidence do you have that there is a deadlock?"
Plaintiff: "The defendant (a member of theboard of directors) kicked and choked me at the office."
Attorney for Defendant: "But what evidence is there that there is a deadlock?"
Plaintiff: "The defendant beat me and choked me."
Attorney for Defendant: "Do you have any evidence of a deadlock?"
Court: "That's enough counsel. To this witness, deadlock means headlock."
SECTION SIX: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT
Juror to Attorney for Prevailing Plaintiff: "We ruled in Plaintiff's favor because the Defendant wore the same suit to court everyday. We assumed that he did not go home to change his suit during the course of the trial because he was afraid to tell his wife what he did. Therefore, he must have been in the wrong."
CHAPTER FIVE: THE APPEAL
SECTION ONE: SOMETIMES THE COURT DOES TIP ITS HAND:
In a lawsuit to recover for services rendered: after finishing oral argument, the only comment from the panel of judges was "Your client is a liar, a thief and a bad forger."
SECTION TWO: THE DEFENSE SOUNDED GOOD AT THE TIME:
In a mortgage foreclosure, one of the justices states: "As I understand your argument, it was legal for the bank to loan your client thirty million dollars, it is just illegal for your client to repay that money to the bank."
SECTION THREE: YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL:
In an appeal from the denial of a motion to vacate a year old default judgment, after finishing oral argument, one of the justices turns to the other party and states "No need for you to respond."
CHAPTER SIX: A WORK IN PROGRESS
Contact Us
To schedule a consultation at Marty J. Schwartz, PC in Chicago, Illinois, call (312) 345-5750. To submit a question by e-mail to one of our lawyers, fill out the contact form on the contact us page.
Marty J. Schwartz, PC
Three First National Plaza
70 W. Madison St.
Suite 4500
Chicago, IL 60602
We represent individuals and businesses in Illinois, including Chicago, Northern District, Cook County, Dupage County, and Lake County.
